Today’s worst call dialed from a man who has something of a persecution complex. On the surface, his complaint was a simple dispute about a meter reading that his telephone line company had taken. He believed that the company misread his meter and overcharged him as a result. I get this complaint a lot, of course, but this particular caller insisted that his case was special. (aba feeling nya di sya sa canada parang peco) “I have enemies,” he said in hushed, fearful tones. “There are people out there . . . relatives . . . neighbors . . . co-workers . . . who take great pleasure in causing me pain and suffering. I have no doubt that they are the ones behind this.” The caller spoke with such solemn earnestness that I involuntarily started choking with laughter. After I stopped hacking up phlegm, I wheezily replied, “Um, okay . . . and do any of these people work for the telephone line company?” (parang kuryente ba ang pinag-uusapan...haller?) “No, not that I’m aware of,” he confessed, “but it wouldn’t matter. My enemies have a great deal of influence in this town. They have ways of getting at me . . .” (ano kayang pinagsasabi nito?) I tried to reassure the caller that misreadings occur frequently, and suggested that he take a meter reading now and report it to the telephone line company. That way, the company could compare his reading with the one they took, and see how far apart the two are. (hahaha!that is kung may makita syang metrohan ng telepono sa bahay nila...) “I’m not going anywhere near that meter,” he wailed. “That’s probably just what my enemies want me to do. For all I know, they booby-trapped it, and I’d be blown to kingdom come!” Fighting back more riotous, snorting laugher, I informed the caller in my most deadpan voice that this issue was well outside of my jurisdiction. I urged him to contact law enforcement if he felt that someone was trying to kill or maim him by tampering with his meter. (sinabayan ko pa ang pagka abnormal ng taong ito...) “I already have,” he hissed, “but they wouldn’t investigate either! It’s clear to me now that this conspiracy is even larger than I thought. All of you are in league with my enemies!” (ano gidman bala ang gina istoryahan namon???) And with that, he hung up, robbing me of my chance to reply, “Curses! Foiled again! But we’ll get you next time, mark my words . . . .moooahhbwahahaha . . . BWA-HA-HA-HA . . . BWA-HA- *ack, koff, hack* . . . damn . . . *wheeze* . . . fucking cigarettes . .
